Dear Pre-MilSO Me: What to Expect from Uncle Sam

Raise your hand if you grew up dreaming you'd marry into the military...*crickets* Yeah, me either!!!

Growing up in a small rural town in New Hampshire, my military exposure was limited...actually, more like nonexistent. I never could've imagined I'd end up marrying into the military. And when I did, I had no one to give me advice or a heads up of what to expect (unless you count my grandmother's outdated 'advice' that included her memories of what it was like being a sister of someone who served during the Vietnam War😉).

Like many military relationships, I was young, naïve, and head-over-heels in love with my best friend. Of course I thought about how his career would affect our relationship, but girl, I had no idea what I was really in for. So, here's all the top things I wish I knew going in (yes, I would still choose this life if I did it all over again!) and everything you should expect as a military spouse.

1. You're going to make just as many sacrifices as your spouse.

Sacrifice. This word has so much meaning in our lives as military spouses. Yes, our service members sacrifice SO much - they often miss the birth of their children, birthdays, holidays, some are injured, and some sacrifice it all for our country. I will forever be in awe of their selflessness and bravery. Imagine how difficult it is for them to miss all these moments and the guilt they must feel however patriotic they may be. But I think us spouses deserve some credit, too. For a long time I thought our situation was unique, but now I've come to realize it's actually very very common. For us, sacrifice looked like choosing to have a long-distance relationship for years so that I could finish my degree. Sacrifice is knowing that even though I now work in my field of choice, I will never be able to advance in my career because we move too often for me to establish superiority (at least not until he retires). Sacrifice is missing the birth of our first nephew because we live 2,000 miles away. Sacrifice is spending birthdays, holidays, anniversaries by myself because again, our family is 2,000 miles away. Sacrifice is knowing that one day I will likely play the role of a single mom while my husband is off saving the world. We don't play the same role as our service members, but we know damn well about sacrifice.

2. Learn to go with the flow.

I am a planner. I thrive off color-coded schedules and calendars. I'm that girl that has 10 highlighters and a planner in her purse at all times (guilty as charged). I guess the Army didn't get that memo. 😂 Example A: Eight weeks before our wedding, my hubby got shipped off to Afghanistan...when everything had already been paid for. Can you feel the pure panic I experienced through these words?!?! You could say I learnt the hard way that planning doesn't work in military life. So instead I adapted and taught myself to make a Plan A and a Plan B and a Plan C and even a Plan D - which I refer to as our disaster plan because it's the plan for our "worst case scenario." Whether its a deployment timeline, block leave period, event or anything in between, we have to be prepared to go with the flow. And in doing so, military life will be a lot more enjoyable for you!

3. Build a support system.

Chances are, you are going to be away from home, your friends and family, and are going to move...a LOT. As an introvert, this was the most terrifying part of military life for me. I have only a few close friends back home (quality over quantity, ya know?) and moving to a new place where I knew absolutely no one was freaking scary! Sure, your friends and family will still support you, but you need to build a support system of people who are physically with you - and the more they understand your struggle, the better! Have your hubby set up a double date or a group dinner with couples from his company so you can begin to socialize with other military spouses. These ladies are the ones who are going to understand you the most because their husbands will have the same training and deployment schedules as yours. If you work outside the home, connect with coworkers and plan events outside of work with them. If you are a stay at home mom, connect with other moms. Take advantage of your resources -  social media is a blessing! Use it to find other women experiencing the same things as you and don't be scared to start up a conversation with them. This support system is going to be vital in the times your spouse is away. I can't count the number of times I called up friends throughout deployment that sounded something like - 'hey, can you come rescue me? I locked myself out', 'can you let my dogs out, I got stuck at work!?', 'can I come over? I need human interaction'. I wouldn't survive without those angels. 😇

4. Accept help when it is offered.

I am a proud, INdependent woman no matter what the Army wants to call me. I was raised to be that way (thanks, Mom!) but I'm nothing special. Every milSO is proud and independent because we have to be! But guess what, that doesn't mean we can't accept help. Don't be afraid to ask questions and get advice from seasoned spouses when you don't understand something. Tricare is a nightmare, acronyms are confusing, and you are not alone - ask for help. And then there's deployments. They're long and daunting and hard, especially if you're a parent, and that's what your support system is for. You're not supposed to do this alone (see number 3). Your neighbor wants to cook you dinner? YES PLEASE! Your friend offers to take the baby off your hands so you can nap? YES PLEASE! Your coworker takes you out for a drink after a long week? YES PLEASE! When help is offered, graciously accept and then pay it forward to a spouse in need when you can.

5. Live in the moment.

There's going to be more days apart then together. When you look at it that way, suddenly each day you wake up next to your spouse means a whole lot more. Not long ago when my husband and I were going through our third deployment, I thought to myself 'I would do anything to be doing his laundry right now' because at least that would mean he was coming home to me every night. The best thing you can do is soak in every moment you are together and try to let go of the little things that may have gotten in the way of your happiness in the past. I'm not saying every day is going to be perfect, we are all human and you will still have fights. But the more we consciously choose to live in the moment, the more joy we allow ourselves to feel.

What's one thing you wish you knew before marrying into the military?

- xoxo -