It doesn't matter if your spouse has been deployed once or ten times, that moment will always be a very exciting and memorable time for you and your spouse. But what about after? No one really talks about what it's like after you go home....together....for the first time in months. It's not all butterflies and rainbows. It's challenging. It's frustrating. It's emotional. At times, it feels like you're meeting your spouse for the first time all over again.
Three. That's how many deployments my husband and I have overcome so far (I know the Army will bless us with several more 😉). Each deployment I like to think we have gotten a little better at the reintegration process and so I have compiled our experiences with the top things I wish I knew before our first homecoming and/or ways we adjusted to better serve each other during the transition period.
1. Have a conversation.
We are all adults, we know how important is it to communicate. But, that doesn't mean we always do. Sometimes we pretend it's easier to ignore the elephant in the room...this is not one of those times! About a month before homecoming when we could both sit down and be present in a conversation, we shared with each other what potential obstacles we expected to challenge us when we were reunited. For example, maybe you have established a routine with your children and you expect your spouse to uphold that schedule to help maintain some normalcy for the children. Maybe your partner is struggling with their experiences on deployment and they need some extra support when they get home. It can be as simple as verbally acknowledging the transition will be difficult and agreeing to be patient with each other. Whatever it is, communicate it with each other before homecoming so y'all can start on the same page.2. Set boundaries.
The best thing we did for ourselves this go-around was keeping my husband's homecoming details on a need-to-know basis. I'm not saying it was easy - I literally run a business off of social media - but it was 110% worth it. We didn't announce his homecoming for a few days and I made a conscious effort to spend less time on my phone and more time being actively present with my husband. Those first 48 hours are so important to reconnect!! It's not selfish to request family stay at a hotel or not come to town for homecoming all-together. Do what makes YOU happy and what sets you and your spouse up for success.3. Make a "cheat sheet."
I'm sure I don't really understand what it's like to be the service member during a deployment, but what I picture for my husband is that deployment is kind of like living on a different planet from me. His main focus is always the mission - as it should be!! When he gets back, not only is it difficult to remember where everything is and our general schedule after nine months, but he's also not used to really thinking about taking care of anyone but himself. I don't mean this in a negative way - he's an amazing husband and fur-dad - I just mean that he hasn't had to think about daily tasks like making sure the dogs have been fed so it's not at the front of his mind. Instead of me getting frustrated he's asked me twelve times how to do something, I made a little "cheat sheet" that has some reminders on it. My work schedule, the dogs food regimen (they're high maintenance pups), when trash day is, etc. Not only does it make things easier for him, but it reduces unnecessary arguments.4. Don't go overboard.
Homecoming is so exciting it's tempting to go all-out and decorate the house with banners, bring a cute sign to homecoming, clean like a mad woman, and make sure your outfit is perfect but the truth is....your service member doesn't really care. All they want is you. If decorating and such makes you happy, go for it! If it just stresses you out, skip it! The homecoming police aren't going to come arrest you - I promise.
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| If you do want a banner, buildasign.com/troops provides free welcome home banners for military families. You just have to pay shipping! |
5. Decide on a date night!
If you already have a date night once a week - YOU ROCK! It's something new for us and I'm so excited for it. For those of you that are Rachel Hollis fans, you probably know about her and Dave's podcast Rise Together. If not, go check it out!! They are strong believers is taking time once a week to focus on their relationship. It's a great way to reconnect with your soldier 1:1 and get excited to do something together. Whether it's a meal out, a movie, or just ordering take out and having a game night at home, I hope it will bring my husband and me closer.No matter what, remember homecoming is a process, not an event. It's going to take work, patience, and love. Hang in there!
- xoxo -
