5 Wrong Ways to Support a Military Spouse

I was twenty one years old and had just moved 2,000 miles away from my family and friends to an unfamiliar city to be with my husband after nearly four years of a long distance relationship. Shortly after my arrival, he had to leave for an extended separation. I remember calling home to talk with a family member who asked me how things were going and when I replied honestly - that I was missing my husband - I received the response "Well, this is what you signed up for."

No, no, no.

I know they probably didn't mean this in a hurtful way. The majority of the time these things are said with the best of intentions, but here's the thing...they're not helpful, they hurt...a lot! Imagine for a brief moment you were in our shoes. Sit back, relax and keep reading to learn what boils the blood of the military spouse in your life (and what we wish you would say instead!).

1. "This is what you signed up for."

Okay, Karen. Then please never complain your husband left his socks on the floor again. Don't come at me when he snores next to you at night keeping you awake. Do not even dream about blasting your man for leaving dirty dishes in the sink. You signed up for it. You signed up for a marriage. Oh wait....so did I. I did not take an oath to serve my country, my husband did. I "signed up" for LOVE. I promised to stand by my best friend through thick and thin, just like you did yours. Just because our marriages look vastly different, doesn't mean I have any less of a right to dislike parts of it.

Instead try saying:

'If you need anything, let me know.'

'He misses you too.'

2. "I don't know how you do it."

Yeah, sister, me either. But I love my husband and support his dreams. Trust me, if you were married to someone in the military, you could do it too.

Instead try saying:
'When you see them again you'll look back on this time and be proud of yourself.'
'I'm here if you need to vent or some company.'

3. "It's only (blank) long."

I really don't care if it's one week, one year or anywhere in between, any time spent away from my spouse is challenging. What I really wish you would understand is it's not JUST that he's away, it's that he's in harms way. It's that I have very little, if any, contact with him. It's that for months I'm on my own with a limited support system. It's that every little thing that can go wrong will go wrong and I'm expected to handle it all by myself. Unless you are me, you don't get to have an opinion on how long our time apart is or how fast it is going.

Instead try saying:

'Every wake up is one day closer to having him home.'

'How are you doing today?'

'Let me watch your kids so you can have some time to yourself.'

4. "I know what you're going through."

With all due respect, no you don't. This is not the same as your husbands work trip or moving away and missing your grandma. I don't expect you to get it, I just need some support along the way.

Instead try saying:

'I'm here for you.'

'Is there anything I can do to make your life a little easier?'

'Call me anytime, I know it must be hard not being able to all him whenever you want.'

'I'm coming over! Let's drink and watch chick flicks!'

5. Questions, questions, and more questions.

No, I really can't tell you where he is. No, I don't know when he's leaving/coming home, it changes hourly. No, I haven't heard from him today....or in the last two weeks. You don't have to ask me every day, I worry enough. No, I didn't see the news. I choose not to watch when my husband is deployed. No, I don't know when he's coming home. Yes, I miss him (obviously).

Imagine you just had your arm amputated. You're trying like hell to return to your new 'normal' but everywhere you turn someone is asking you 'does it hurt?!', pointing out that it's missing for everyone to see, or feeling bad for you. That's what it feels like when my husband leaves. I just want a sense of normalcy. If I want to talk about it, I will bring it up. Otherwise, please *kindly* keep your questions to yourself.

Instead try saying:

'I'm here for you. To talk when you need to, when you need a hug or just want someone to watch TV with.'

'I'm all ears.'

'What do you need?'

'Your feelings are valid. Take it one day at a time.'

"In a time full of war, be peace. In a world full of hate, be a light."

- Thomas Rhett

A huge shout out to all the military spouses who contributed to this post. You are not alone, we are all experiencing similar comments and challenges navigating military life. Always remember you have the power to surround yourself with people who support and encourage you and the authority to walk away from the ones who don't. Hang in there!

- xoxo -

3 Essential Habits While Social Distancing

I was made for this.

That's what I choose to believe as we navigate a global pandemic. Cancelled plans? Nothing new. Living in the unknown? Welcome to our lives. Wearing many hats? It's in our job description. Social isolation? Déjà vu. Does that mean this situation doesn't stink? Absolutely not. But when I stop and think about it, I feel grateful that my experiences navigating military life have trained me to handle these kinds of situations with grace and grit.

Although I'm still working, (#essentialemployee) I'm making a conscious effort to keep my mental health in check when I am home and in isolation mode with three simple tasks.

Gratitude.

I start each day by listing three things I'm grateful for and my daily intention. Then I brain dump anything that's bothering me or worries I've been carrying around. This simple, five minute task allows me to start my day on a positive note and with a clean slate.

Movement.

For me, exercise is my refuge. It's a place I can let go of everything else going on and focus on my breathing, let out frustrations, and center myself. Sometimes it's a simple walk around my neighborhood and other times it's an intense, sweaty routine. Either way, I always feel 10x better after I've intentionally moved my body for the day.

Rest.

Extra stress equals extra rest! Adequate sleep is mandatory for me function and quarantine is no exception. While I think it's important we don't sit on the couch all day long, I also think it's equally important to allow our bodies to rest. Remember those days you spent carting your kids around to their sports events? How about all those appointments you had to go to? And your endless days of work, eat, sleep, repeat? We have been given a rare opportunity to slow down - something life rarely gives - embrace it before it's gone!

How are you staying sane during the pandemic?

- xoxo -

Surviving Seasons of Seperation

"Don't let your coping mechanism become your comfort zone."

For the past six years I've been holding onto the belief that the heartache will end if we just make it through the next week, month, year. This mindset has led me to live in a series of countdowns. I countdown until my husband comes home. Then I countdown the time we have left until he leaves again. Its like our life has become a revolving door of hellos and goodbyes.

When he came home with the news that he would be deploying again, I was angry. I'm still so angry. We all know there's nothing I can do to change our circumstances, but I can change my strategy!

This time instead of drowning myself in countdowns and countless hours of overtime, 𝙄'𝙢 𝙛𝙤𝙘𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙣 𝙢𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨, 𝙚𝙭𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙟𝙤𝙮.

I'm no expert, but after six years of military wife life, multiple deployments, PCS moves, and countless TDY's, here are my takeaways.

How to survive thrive during seasons of separation:

1) Avoid burn out. I used to think if I just kept myself busy, the time would fly by. Maybe in theory it did, but it also left me exhausted and miserable. Taking care of the household by yourself is hard. Keeping small humans alive is hard (I have no experience here, but I feel for you, Mamas). Taking care of pets is hard. Working long hours and doing all those things is hard! Don't make life too hard for yourself during an already stressful and mentally exhausting time. If you can afford to take time off or work less hours all together - do it!

2) Plan events and/or trips to look forward to throughout the time apart. I've done things such as concerts, have friends come to visit me, trips back home to be with family, trips to places that bring me joy, etc. This deployment I have several trips planned - here's to hoping the COVID-19 situation allows me to go!

If you've never heard of Brave Crate, you NEED to go check them out! Each month, Brave Crate sends you a themed box with products to help you conquer your deployment countdown! Not only is it like getting a surprise gift in the mail once a month, but it also includes virtual resources, monthly challenges to help you rock deployment and an online community of fellow military spouses going through the same season!

3) Set goals that keep you focused on personal development and self care. Hear me out! It's not just reading self help books and journaling, although those are excellent ideas! It's also remembering to take care of yourself when you feel like you can't go on anymore. It's washing your hair for the first time in a week. It's exercising regularly. It's routinely going out for coffee with a friend. It's sitting down for some quiet time to read or meditate or binge a show. It's doing whatever makes your heart happy - make it a goal to better yourself during this time and you'll find it's a lot easier to navigate.

My deployment goal is running my first half marathon! Running is my husband's thing and it's something I've learned to love doing with him. We set this goal together, but unfortunately he will be gone for the race. I'm nervous I'll be unable to accomplish it without him but I know this - when I set my heart to something, I will do everything in my power to make it happen. Stay tuned.

4) Write in a deployment journal. Sometimes communication is sparse during deployments or even TDY's. It can be frustrating for us at home to feel like we can't share our day with our spouse, and I can imagine our spouse feels like they miss a lot, too. When we do get a chance to talk, sometimes I get stuck in a 'I have so much to tell you I can't remember anything fog' so I started writing in a journal to my husband once a day of what happened that day or maybe a funny story about the dogs or something that happened at work. I even throw in some pictures every once in a while. When we do get a chance to communicate, I have the journal to jog my memory of what's been going on and my husband has it to look back on when he gets home. Call me sentimental, but I love handwritten mementos! I still have stacks of the letters we wrote to each other during basic training and dozens of birthday and anniversary cards that I look back on when I'm having a tough day.

I'd love to tell you that every time you experience a seperation it gets easier, but it doesn't. You do, however, get better at finding coping techniques that work for you. I hope these ideas are helpful and if you have any other recommendations, please comment and share!

Try new things.

Stay as positive as you can.

& Take it one day at a time!

I promise, you'll make it through this season.

- xoxo -

MilSO Career Series: Your Mindset Matters

"The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances." -Unknown

While being a military spouse is an honorable job, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done. In this life, it's easy to throw a pity party with all the challenges and obstacles of military life. Moving every few years makes it extremely difficult to set down roots. You have to make new friends, find a new place to call home, and find a new job that hopefully meets your qualifications. We often focus on the negatives - having a resume too long and too inconsistent, the inability to provide stability for the company, an ever-changing schedule, constantly sacrificing even more time with your family...the list goes on. I asked the collaborators for this post to really think about the advantages of pursuing their own career and the positive attributes that actually benefit us in the working world. See for yourself the mental shifts we made together!

What would you say is the biggest ADVANTAGE of pursuing your own career while supporting your service member?

"Pursuing my own career while supporting my spouse is really important to me. I’m a kind of person who need a sense of meaning. Yes I a mom and yes I help out around the house, but that doesn’t fulfill my needs to provide for my family. I get to fulfill my creative needs with my photography as well as pay bills and have spending money that I don’t have to ask for." - Brittany T.

"It allows me to stay busy and keep my individuality. It also helps bring in another income to help us pay bills and save for the future." - Anonymous

"The ability to have my own life and be passionate about what I do." - Shelby A.

"Doing something satisfying for myself." - Chelsea C.

 

"You have something for YOU. You don’t feel as though you’re sacrificing everything you want for the sake of their dream. You find purpose, you keep busy, you feel good about having accomplishments. Most milspouses love a good challenge (as if our lifestyle isn’t challenge enough) and it keeps us focused on something other than the chaotic ups and downs of our life. In a sense, it’s something we can control, something we can depend on even when the military is something we can’t always have expectations for with the ever changing schedules, the surprise training trips, the “looks like we are deploying a couple months earlier”, the things we can’t prepare ourselves for. At least we can prepare ourselves and thrive in something of our own while they’re gone. I also believe for myself it’s that he makes me so proud and I want to make him proud too, I want to show him I use my time while he’s away for the good of those around me and that I’m ALSO doing something I love." - Hannah A.

 

"Pursuing your own career gives you a sense of pride and independence in something that you are doing for yourself. You can do something you love or enjoy and earn an income doing so. I have always been very independent and have always worked usually more than one job. Marrying into the military, a PCS shortly after, and having to wait on licenses to be transferred to our new location made me unable to work for several months. This was new for me and in so many ways I felt lost and guilty that I was not “contributing” to our family. Going back to work has helped resolve those feelings and given me a sense of independence. A job is something for you to be proud of. You can have your independence, self pride, and do what you love all while supporting your service member. This helps to make sure you don’t lose yourself and your own interests along this crazy ride with military life." - Ciara B.

Military life has it's perks! What's one attribute or skill that you believe sets you ABOVE other potential, non-military applicants?

 

"Resilience and flexibility. The inconsistencies of military life have made me confident in a crisis." -Becky H.

"Strength." - Brenda C.

 

"Adaptability." - Kara M.

 

"I am adaptable.. in any place, environment, circumstance, I can adapt." - Samantha R.

 

"Resilience." - Tara C.

 

"You become very adaptive and accepting of situations. It is what it is, accept it and move on." - Kayla G.

 

"My ability to adapt to unseen circumstances and being able to "go with the flow" and not freaking out over change." - Anonymous

 

"Adaptability. Our life is being able to just roll with the constant unplanned and last minute changes. We go with it and make it work." - Ciara B.

 

"Very flexible, honest, and reliable." - Jennifer K. Hmm...I'm seeing a pattern here! 😉

 

"Multitasking. Being able to juggle not only your career but your spouses too." - Shelby A.

 

"I can function under high pressure situations and can plan." - Anonymous

 

"I have become a quick learner and problem solver!" - Anonymous

"In the seven months I’ve been a Navy wife, I’ve experienced many different cultures that I can teach the children I care for about." - Brooke L.

 

"Experience in different clinics with different patient populations." - Anonymous

 

While I was typing up this post, I got an email that another one of my documents for my state licensure at our new duty station was being denied and I had to complete additional paperwork. Immediately I was angry! I have been working on getting these licenses for almost 12 weeks now and it's delaying the job applications process. On my way to take care of the documents, I remembered this post and all the positive outlooks the above military spouses provided for this series. It was a humbling reminder to take a deep breath and handle it with a smile on my face. This is a part of the PCS process and it does me no good to be bitter about it.

Continuing to pursue your career goals as a military spouse isn't easy but it's a blessing in disguise. It helps us become unique employees with a strong toolbox of skills other applicants likely don't have. Adaptability, strength, problem solving skills, resilience, flexibility, the list goes on....we are LEADERS. Any company would be lucky to have a military spouse as a employee and it's our job to show them why! When you find yourself in yet another interview, focus on all the attributes and skills you DO bring to the table instead of what you don't.

- xoxo -

MilSO Career Series: Overcoming Obstacles

Is it possible to build a strong career as a military spouse? Heck yes! Is it going to be easy? Nope!

As I sit here typing away, I am frazzled. For those who don't know, my husband and I are in the midst of a PCS (permanent change of station). This will be our first PCS together as a family and....WE BOUGHT A HOUSE at our next duty station, Fort Campbell. We are so excited for this next step in our lives and our marriage, but also terrified! I'm quickly becoming overwhelmed trying to juggle getting my state license for x-ray, searching for a new job, packing up our house, all while still working 40+ hours a week.

As a radiologic technologist, I am required to have both a national certification and state licensure depending on what state I practice in. Many of you know this can be a time consuming process in general, let alone when you're attempting to apply for licenses and prospective job opportunities from states away. I heard from many other spouses with careers that require licenses and certifications how difficult it can be but one common factor remains: the reality of pursuing your own career as a military spouse depends on your desire and commitment to your career goals.

What is the biggest challenge you've faced as a military spouse in the civilian workforce?

Staci K., dental assistant, "getting licensed in different states." I feel ya, sister! Although there's benefits to being in healthcare, like endless job opportunities, getting the proper licensure in every state takes lots of time and money.

Ciara B., nurse, "Being a new military spouse the biggest challenge I have faced is just understanding how it all works! Everyone had been telling me how easy it is to get a job on post, but I can't be the only one who thinks navigating USA jobs is near impossible!" You're not alone, Ciara! Unfortunately, jobs on post have a priority system linked to our spouse's rank. Finding and securing a job on post can often take MONTHS and by then, you may be heading off to a new duty station.

Anonymous, elementary education, "I thought teaching was the perfect Military Spouse career because everywhere needs teachers.. FALSE! I taught at our first 2 duty stations (2different states), but it quickly became clear that it wasn’t worth it for our 3rd duty station. Every state has different certification processes and some have different state tests that must be taken. Every time I started in a new school/state I started at the bottom of the pay scale because they didn’t take into account previous years of experience at other locations. I also had to take classes for each state that gave me state credentials that wouldn’t transfer out of state. With the amount of credits I have taken since getting my bachelors, I should have my masters degree, but unfortunately none of those credits count outside those states." This is so frustrating! I know you're not alone in giving up your career in order to support your spouse's career.

Tori O., certified nursing assistant, "Transferring State Certificates, took almost 6 months for my CNA to transfer correctly from Wisconsin to Texas. My Medication Aide Certificate does not transfer from Wi, which would allow me to get a better job here obviously. 😞 Also, no family around for daycare." It's funny, I always though healthcare was the best choice for a military spouse, but these license and certification transfers are a nightmare!

Although most professions can be done anywhere, when you get stationed OCONUS, or out of country, things can become a little tricky. Of the responses we acquired, only a small portion are currently stationed overseas but they provided some great feedback about their work opportunities while stationed abroad.

I loved seeing this positive outlook from Brittany T. who is currently stationed in the United Kingdom. "My dream job is to be a travelling photographer. With the military, I have the freedom to travel as well as the means to afford equipment and education that I would not be able to otherwise. My husband and I also decided to live off base, in order to have a house that I can have my own personal studio in." -Brittany T.

While Jennifer K. has found she has opportunity restrictions at her duty station - "I'm currently living in Italy and I can't work AT ALL unless it's on base. If I do decide to work off base I lose all military protection rights." As a healthcare professional, my job opportunities would be limited to strictly on base as well. Okay, y'all that was a whole heck of a lot of information! I have been blown away by the responses to the survey I compiled on this topic and I look forward to continuing to share all about how we milSO's identify, tackle, and dominate any situation we come across. Read that again, because it's true. I'm convinced there's nothing we can't handle! Stay tuned for my next post in our MilSO Career Series!

- xoxo -

MilSO Career Series: Intro

How many times have you been in a situation where civilians find out you're a military spouse and automatically assume you're a stay-at-home mom?

For the first several years of our relationship, my husband and I lived across the country from each other. We got engaged at 19 years old and married less than a year later, but I continued to pursue my degree in Radiologic Technology while he served overseas and in several locations stateside. I was asked many times "why are you even bothering to get a degree you won't be able to use?" and "aren't you just going to stay at home with your kids?" Funny...I don't remember having kids?? But as soon as we got married, everyone just assumed I would start popping out babies and stay at home to raise them. Don't get me wrong - I 110% support women who choose this path, but it's not the path that's right for me.

After six years of military life, I have met many spouses who continue to pursue their own personal careers, I have met many who choose to give up the career they went to school for and pursue more "realistic" paths, such as entrepreneurship, and I have also met many who are SAHM. I'm not surprised by this variety of positions. Despite popular belief, being a military spouse doesn't define who we are as human beings.

With that being said, military life comes with many challenges when it comes to working outside the home. Often times our spouses schedules are unpredictable and they're not home often, meaning we have to pick up the weight and be there for our kiddos when they get off the bus or are sick. We have to service the cars and pick up the groceries and make it to all the doctors appointments. These situations can often make pursuing a job in the civilian workforce seem impossible. Yet so many make it work!

I asked for the help of the military spouse community to provide some feedback on their personal experiences and opinions on being a working military spouse for this blog series. My hope is that this compilation of perspectives will not only help our young military spouses find their way, but also be a resource for even our most seasoned spouses. So buckle up and enjoy the ride because these milSOs brought the heat!

 - xoxo -

10 Common Military Life Questions: His vs. Her Perspective

New to military life? Non-military, but curious how military life works? 

As a military family, we get asked these questions ALL the time so I've put together an interview between my husband and I to share our perspective on military life. Join us to hear what military life is like for the military member and their spouse!

I am so excited to be sharing this blog post with y'all! As an unexpected bonus, doing this interview with my husband, Ben, was super fun and enlightening. I wrote out my responses before I asked him the same ten questions and I did not show him the questions beforehand so I could get the real and raw answers for you! I wish this was a vlog or a podcast so you could hear this conversation between us because it was just...awesome and real and so...us. Hopefully our personalities will shine through my writing nonetheless.

Disclaimer: Many of these questions are highly dependent on the military members branch, MOS, and career path (i.e. Active Duty, National Guard, Reserves) and therefore the answers are not accurate for everyone! Please keep in mind these are our personal opinions and experiences with military life - everyone's will be different! However, we do hope this information is helpful and inspiring to those just starting out their military journey, those in the civilian world and everyone in between! We hope it will serve as an insight to what our American heroes and their families endure throughout their service to this great nation.

Before we get into the good stuff, here's some helpful background information. Ben is Active Duty Army and has been serving for almost 6 years. He has deployed three times and PCSed once. We got married at 19 (Rachel) and 20 (Ben) and are coming up on our fourth wedding anniversary. We currently do not have any children.

1. What is the best part about military life?

Rachel: The best part for me has been being able to travel and see areas of the country (and potentially world) I never would have imagined living in. These adventures have led to me meet some of the most amazing humans, coworkers and friends. We were definitely blessed on the friend aspect here at Fort Hood.

Ben: "It's kinda like a second family. You get to meet people from all over, different backgrounds. And you all mold together, you go through the same things with each other."

2. What is the worst or hardest part of military life?

Rachel: This answer may seem ironic after question one, but the worst part for me is being so far away from family, especially during deployments. You miss birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and moments that I grew up celebrating with family. This past year I missed the birth of our first nephew and Ben lost irreplaceable time with his Aunt who passed away. That broke my heart. Just knowing that you may be missing moments with loved ones you'll never get back is hard.

Ben: "Deploying and leaving family...You, and the dogs."

I can imagine service members leaving children behind for a deployment is an even more difficult aspect of military life.

3. How often is the military member gone versus home?

Rachel: It feels like we spend more time apart than together. But that is also due to the fact that we spent the first 2.5 years of our relationship long-distance while I finished school. We literally saw each other a few times a year and then once you throw deployments into the mix, it was even less than that. Also, Ben an Infantryman, meaning his job description is to defend this country, front line. Frequent deployments are a fact of life for us.

Ben: "Almost 50/50. When I'm "here", I'm training so I'm not really here...so I guess I would say 50/50."

4. What was it like getting married so young/eloping?

Rachel: It was challenging. I was 19 and Ben was 20. Nothing was really changing by getting married, meaning I was still going to finish school and not move to be with him. That made it even more challenging. We had to trust each other 100% which is the main reason we were able to survive that time apart. It made our marriage stronger for sure, but we struggled. I honestly feel like we are just getting to solid ground in our marriage now coming up on our fourth anniversary (May 22 ❤).

Ben: "Awesome." *I was so surprised by this answer, I asked him how it was awesome.* "I married my best friend." *Okay, BRB, crying! Then I asked him, 'But, wasn't it hard?'* "Yeah, you lived in NH and I lived in Texas, for most of it, and then you get down here and I go away for the summer and I come back for a couple months and then do training and go on deployment for nine months...we spend most of the time apart. But we try to make the most of our time together."

Fun Fact: Ben and I went skydiving with my sister, Alexa, on our wedding day! She had no idea were we planning on eloping later that afternoon. Surprise! Side note - why did no one slap me for this hair color?!

5. Is it hard being in a relationship when you're apart so often and/or being surrounded by single friends? 

Rachel: Our relationship has been long-distance from the get-go and military life is not much different. Is it challenging? Of course, but for us its normal. This lifestyle has helped us build a strong marriage and forced us to think outside the box to stay connected through times we are apart.

Ben: "No. You and I have gotten pretty good at it. We have been dating since I got in, so this is all we know." *I asked him to think back to when we were just dating and he was a Private at Fort Riley living in the barracks and the being surrounded by mostly single men.* "I never really fit into that type of click I guess. I mean we did stupid stuff, but not like relationship-related stupid stuff."

I think it's important to note that both Ben and I have been really great about choosing friends who are respectful of our relationship to hang out with during our time apart. We aren't big partiers so that helped keep us away from any potential inappropriate situations that could have negatively affected our relationship. Trust and communication in any marriage is extremely important but for a military marriage, it will make or break you.

6. How do you deal with deployments and/or times apart from your significant other?

Rachel: I focus on keeping myself as busy as possible. I like to set milestones countdowns to help the time seem not so daunting. For example, during our last nine month deployment, I planned an event or trip every 3 months so I had something to look forward to. I also find that setting a fitness goal for myself and having a competition between Ben and me keeps me motivated to stay on track. Plus exercise is free stress and anxiety relief.

Ben: "Trying to talk to you as much as I can while I'm gone. And video chat."

Video chat is hard when the Wi-Fi signals are horrible but I'd take a blurry, 2-minute lagged video over snail mail any day!

7. How do you manage your time pre-deployment? How do you make the most of your time in the days before your significant other leaves?

Rachel: We spend as much time as we can together just the two of us and visit all our favorite restaurants. One deployment we took a day trip to adventure in the mountains of New Hampshire and another we went on a cruise. Either way, we made each other a priority. We have learnt over the years it's okay to set boundaries with family both pre and post deployment. We have to put our marriage first.

Ben: "A whole bunch of date nights."

Ben wasn't super helpful on this topic. But after I told him my thoughts he agreed. Our three deployments have looked very different each time because of our long-distance relationship at the beginning. But the commonalities between them was always spending quality time with each other just the two of us before he left.

8. What is the best way to keep in communication and/or feel connected to your significant other during deployments and/or times apart?

Rachel:Technology is a blessing. There's Snapchat, Facetime, Skype, iMessage, etc. Beyond using those resources, I feel connected when I sleep in Ben's shirts and look at photos I have of us. And when I do get a phone call, I try my best to give him my full attention.

Ben: "I play with my wedding ring." *Then I realized he was not wearing his wedding ring! LOL. (Only because he can't wear it during his Air Assault training). Anyways, getting back on track, I asked him what helps him feel connected to me when he's gone, like what do I do for him that helps him feel connected to me.* "When you send me a care packages you always put a little letter, or note with it and pictures."

I also like a keep a deployment journal where I write about anything and everything going on at home. I don't always have the opportunity to write in it daily, but I do as much as I can. Sometimes we go weeks without hearing from one another and writing it down not only helps me remember, but it lets Ben catch up on what happened while he was away. It may mean more to me then it does to him, but it helps me feel connected.

9. What is the biggest struggle/challenge post-deployment?

Rachel: The reintegration process is difficult. It's emotionally and mentally exhausting because you don't really know what to expect. Every deployment is different and it's impossible to anticipate how your service member is going to react to being home. It's really hard for me to let go of control and to let Ben help me after doing it all alone for so long. That's the hardest part - letting him break down that wall I built up in survival mode.

Ben: "Trying to fit back into how you were doing things. Cuz I'm not trying to come in and ruin everything, you have a process and I'm just trying to move into your routine without messing it up." *I pointed out here its not about him fitting into my routine, it's about creating a new one together. He agreed to that.*

10. What is the best part of homecoming?

Rachel: Homecoming is the most exhilarating feeling in the world. It's better then wedding day jitters in my opinion. After months and months of worrying, stress, and drama, there is no better feeling in the world than that homecoming hug! We got our latest deployment homecoming on video and I squealed like a pig and cried like a baby but I don't remember any of that. I just remember feeling like I could finally breathe again. Literally I asked, "Is that me squealing?!?" when I watched the video later that day! 😂

Ben: "Sex..." *I give him a look* "What, I can't say that?!" *I was dying laughing because A) He didn't miss a beat answering this question - the fastest I've ever heard him answer anything. B) Our mom's are for sure going to read this blog. Hey, Moms! C) It is the most accurate answer you'll ever hear a man say, am I right? Especially a man who just got back from a deployment. Just keeping it real here. "Food...we'll go with food, how about thatt? Having real food is nice. Sleeping in a real bed is pretty nice."

There you have it! I know that was a long read, so thank you for taking the time join me! I hope you got a few laughs and lots of helpful tips out of it. Fellow military families, do you have any other recommendations for fresh military blood?! Feel free to share with us in the comments! And if y'all have more questions you'd like answered, I'd love to do additional blog posts addressing them so please let me know. 💓

- xoxo -

 

Dear Pre-MilSO Me: What to Expect from Uncle Sam

Raise your hand if you grew up dreaming you'd marry into the military...*crickets* Yeah, me either!!!

Growing up in a small rural town in New Hampshire, my military exposure was limited...actually, more like nonexistent. I never could've imagined I'd end up marrying into the military. And when I did, I had no one to give me advice or a heads up of what to expect (unless you count my grandmother's outdated 'advice' that included her memories of what it was like being a sister of someone who served during the Vietnam War😉).

Like many military relationships, I was young, naïve, and head-over-heels in love with my best friend. Of course I thought about how his career would affect our relationship, but girl, I had no idea what I was really in for. So, here's all the top things I wish I knew going in (yes, I would still choose this life if I did it all over again!) and everything you should expect as a military spouse.

1. You're going to make just as many sacrifices as your spouse.

Sacrifice. This word has so much meaning in our lives as military spouses. Yes, our service members sacrifice SO much - they often miss the birth of their children, birthdays, holidays, some are injured, and some sacrifice it all for our country. I will forever be in awe of their selflessness and bravery. Imagine how difficult it is for them to miss all these moments and the guilt they must feel however patriotic they may be. But I think us spouses deserve some credit, too. For a long time I thought our situation was unique, but now I've come to realize it's actually very very common. For us, sacrifice looked like choosing to have a long-distance relationship for years so that I could finish my degree. Sacrifice is knowing that even though I now work in my field of choice, I will never be able to advance in my career because we move too often for me to establish superiority (at least not until he retires). Sacrifice is missing the birth of our first nephew because we live 2,000 miles away. Sacrifice is spending birthdays, holidays, anniversaries by myself because again, our family is 2,000 miles away. Sacrifice is knowing that one day I will likely play the role of a single mom while my husband is off saving the world. We don't play the same role as our service members, but we know damn well about sacrifice.

2. Learn to go with the flow.

I am a planner. I thrive off color-coded schedules and calendars. I'm that girl that has 10 highlighters and a planner in her purse at all times (guilty as charged). I guess the Army didn't get that memo. 😂 Example A: Eight weeks before our wedding, my hubby got shipped off to Afghanistan...when everything had already been paid for. Can you feel the pure panic I experienced through these words?!?! You could say I learnt the hard way that planning doesn't work in military life. So instead I adapted and taught myself to make a Plan A and a Plan B and a Plan C and even a Plan D - which I refer to as our disaster plan because it's the plan for our "worst case scenario." Whether its a deployment timeline, block leave period, event or anything in between, we have to be prepared to go with the flow. And in doing so, military life will be a lot more enjoyable for you!

3. Build a support system.

Chances are, you are going to be away from home, your friends and family, and are going to move...a LOT. As an introvert, this was the most terrifying part of military life for me. I have only a few close friends back home (quality over quantity, ya know?) and moving to a new place where I knew absolutely no one was freaking scary! Sure, your friends and family will still support you, but you need to build a support system of people who are physically with you - and the more they understand your struggle, the better! Have your hubby set up a double date or a group dinner with couples from his company so you can begin to socialize with other military spouses. These ladies are the ones who are going to understand you the most because their husbands will have the same training and deployment schedules as yours. If you work outside the home, connect with coworkers and plan events outside of work with them. If you are a stay at home mom, connect with other moms. Take advantage of your resources -  social media is a blessing! Use it to find other women experiencing the same things as you and don't be scared to start up a conversation with them. This support system is going to be vital in the times your spouse is away. I can't count the number of times I called up friends throughout deployment that sounded something like - 'hey, can you come rescue me? I locked myself out', 'can you let my dogs out, I got stuck at work!?', 'can I come over? I need human interaction'. I wouldn't survive without those angels. 😇

4. Accept help when it is offered.

I am a proud, INdependent woman no matter what the Army wants to call me. I was raised to be that way (thanks, Mom!) but I'm nothing special. Every milSO is proud and independent because we have to be! But guess what, that doesn't mean we can't accept help. Don't be afraid to ask questions and get advice from seasoned spouses when you don't understand something. Tricare is a nightmare, acronyms are confusing, and you are not alone - ask for help. And then there's deployments. They're long and daunting and hard, especially if you're a parent, and that's what your support system is for. You're not supposed to do this alone (see number 3). Your neighbor wants to cook you dinner? YES PLEASE! Your friend offers to take the baby off your hands so you can nap? YES PLEASE! Your coworker takes you out for a drink after a long week? YES PLEASE! When help is offered, graciously accept and then pay it forward to a spouse in need when you can.

5. Live in the moment.

There's going to be more days apart then together. When you look at it that way, suddenly each day you wake up next to your spouse means a whole lot more. Not long ago when my husband and I were going through our third deployment, I thought to myself 'I would do anything to be doing his laundry right now' because at least that would mean he was coming home to me every night. The best thing you can do is soak in every moment you are together and try to let go of the little things that may have gotten in the way of your happiness in the past. I'm not saying every day is going to be perfect, we are all human and you will still have fights. But the more we consciously choose to live in the moment, the more joy we allow ourselves to feel.

What's one thing you wish you knew before marrying into the military?

- xoxo -



5 Ways to Rock Your Deployment Homecoming

I've cried at hundreds of deployment homecoming videos on the internet over the years - even before I had a loved one serving. I remember that emotion I felt watching strangers be reunited with their loved ones and naturally expected my husbands first homecoming (2015) to be just like it. But it was nothing like watching those videos. The emotions I experienced with our personal homecoming was amplified tenfold. It's overwhelming. It's breathtaking. It's unlike anything I have ever experienced.

It doesn't matter if your spouse has been deployed once or ten times, that moment will always be a very exciting and memorable time for you and your spouse. But what about after? No one really talks about what it's like after you go home....together....for the first time in months. It's not all butterflies and rainbows. It's challenging. It's frustrating. It's emotional. At times, it feels like you're meeting your spouse for the first time all over again.

Three. That's how many deployments my husband and I have overcome so far (I know the Army will bless us with several more 😉). Each deployment I like to think we have gotten a little better at the reintegration process and so I have compiled our experiences with the top things I wish I knew before our first homecoming and/or ways we adjusted to better serve each other during the transition period.

1. Have a conversation.

We are all adults, we know how important is it to communicate. But, that doesn't mean we always do. Sometimes we pretend it's easier to ignore the elephant in the room...this is not one of those times! About a month before homecoming when we could both sit down and be present in a conversation, we shared with each other what potential obstacles we expected to challenge us when we were reunited. For example, maybe you have established a routine with your children and you expect your spouse to uphold that schedule to help maintain some normalcy for the children. Maybe your partner is struggling with their experiences on deployment and they need some extra support when they get home. It can be as simple as verbally acknowledging the transition will be difficult and agreeing to be patient with each other. Whatever it is, communicate it with each other before homecoming so y'all can start on the same page.

2. Set boundaries.

The best thing we did for ourselves this go-around was keeping my husband's homecoming details on a need-to-know basis. I'm not saying it was easy - I literally run a business off of social media - but it was 110% worth it. We didn't announce his homecoming for a few days and I made a conscious effort to spend less time on my phone and more time being actively present with my husband. Those first 48 hours are so important to reconnect!! It's not selfish to request family stay at a hotel or not come to town for homecoming all-together. Do what makes YOU happy and what sets you and your spouse up for success.

3. Make a "cheat sheet."

I'm sure I don't really understand what it's like to be the service member during a deployment, but what I picture for my husband is that deployment is kind of like living on a different planet from me. His main focus is always the mission - as it should be!! When he gets back, not only is it difficult to remember where everything is and our general schedule after nine months, but he's also not used to really thinking about taking care of anyone but himself. I don't mean this in a negative way - he's an amazing husband and fur-dad - I just mean that he hasn't had to think about daily tasks like making sure the dogs have been fed so it's not at the front of his mind. Instead of me getting frustrated he's asked me twelve times how to do something, I made a little "cheat sheet" that has some reminders on it. My work schedule, the dogs food regimen (they're high maintenance pups), when trash day is, etc. Not only does it make things easier for him, but it reduces unnecessary arguments.

4. Don't go overboard.

Homecoming is so exciting it's tempting to go all-out and decorate the house with banners, bring a cute sign to homecoming, clean like a mad woman, and make sure your outfit is perfect but the truth is....your service member doesn't really care. All they want is you. If decorating and such makes you happy, go for it! If it just stresses you out, skip it! The homecoming police aren't going to come arrest you - I promise. 

If you do want a banner, buildasign.com/troops provides free
welcome home banners for military families.
You just have to pay shipping!

5. Decide on a date night!

If you already have a date night once a week - YOU ROCK! It's something new for us and I'm so excited for it. For those of you that are Rachel Hollis fans, you probably know about her and Dave's podcast Rise Together. If not, go check it out!! They are strong believers is taking time once a week to focus on their relationship. It's a great way to reconnect with your soldier 1:1 and get excited to do something together. Whether it's a meal out, a movie, or just ordering take out and having a game night at home, I hope it will bring my husband and me closer.

No matter what, remember homecoming is a process, not an event. It's going to take work, patience, and love. Hang in there!

- xoxo -

What the Heck is a MilSO?! The Story Behind the Name

What the heck is a MilSO?!

Military life can be confusing. There's an acronym for everything. I mean everything. It's almost like we have our own secret language. Even though it can be frustrating at the beginning, using acronyms becomes second nature. Just like I'm slowly inheriting a southern accent, it was only natural for me to use an acronym in my blog name!

MilSO is a fairly new to military lingo and is not an official acronym. It's simply a shorthand term created by the military community to represent a military significant other. I really love it! Why? Because it encompasses so much more then just military wives, husbands or partners - it includes girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancés, etc. These titles are important too!

Being married to someone in the military is drastically different then dating, *insert a whole new world theme song* but everyone involved in a military relationship goes through trials and tribulations. Long distance relationships, deployments, trainings, missed anniversaries, birthdays, and events...the list goes on. Because of this, I believe all significant others should be included.

I was 18 years old when my husband (boyfriend then) was shipped off to the middle of the country while I was attending college in the north east. Not only were we young, military exposure was extremely limited in my area and I struggled with no support. Of course my family was there for me, but unless you're living this life, you just don't get it! I often wonder how different my experience as a new milSO would have been if I had been surrounded by others going through the same day-to-day struggles as I was. Obviously I survived without, but I didn't thrive.

Now 5 1/2 years later, I feel like I've done a darn good job of surrounding myself with positive people and truly thriving in the military community. I thought, how can I help other milSOs thrive in this lifestyle - regardless of their geographic location? MilSO Minute is the answer. It's a place for us to share, encourage, and bring us together. My hope is it will help you navigate the waters of military life and provide some validation to the feelings you may be having. You are not alone! I'm not just saying that - it's true. Need some convincing? There are currently 1.3 million Americans serving in all branches of the United States armed forces, which equates to around 1.3 million significant others supporting them every step of the way. Just like our spouses lean on their comrades, lean on each other!

"We rise by lifting others." -Robert G. Ingersoll

- xoxo -

Welcome to 'Milso Minute': Get to Know Me!

Welcome to 'Milso Minute': Get to Know Me!

Hello and welcome to my blog! Starting a blog has been something I've wanted to do for a long time, but never found the time or courage to do so. With the new year and the support of my fellow military spouses, I took the leap!

My name is Rachel and I am a proud Army wife! My husband, Ben, and I have been together since the beginning of his military career back in 2013. He has served active duty for the past 5.5 years and is currently serving overseas on his third deployment. We are stationed at Fort Hood, Texas which is where you can find me! Originally from New Hampshire, this duty station has been like living on a whole new planet for us. Although deployments and training rotations have kept Ben away from Texas the majority of our time here, I personally am loving the Texas weather and am not missing the snowy winter season of New England at all!!

We currently live off post with our two rescue dogs. Mollie (the black dog) is 4 1/2 years old and was adopted from Mississippi and Aspen (the brindle dog) is 2 years old and was adopted from Waco, Texas.

I work full-time as a Radiologic Technologist at a local clinic and part-time as a health and wellness coach. Although these two jobs seem drastically different, they are actually quite similar! Both positions allow me the opportunity to meet and interact with new people from all over the world and the privilege of helping them - whether that be in providing diagnostic imaging to support a diagnosis/treatment plan or by helping them find balance in their daily lives!

If you don't follow me already, I hope to you see you on my Instagram page. It is from my Instagram followers that the idea of starting this blog came to life. Social media has allowed me to build relationships with military spouses from all over the world! This year, my followers requested I share more of our family's experiences with military life and so 'Milso Minute' was born! I am not an expert, by any means, but look forward to sharing my personal experiences and the knowledge I have gained so far to other women who may be new to military life or who need some inspiration!

- xoxo -