"Don't let your coping mechanism become your comfort zone."
For the past six years I've been holding onto the belief that the heartache will end if we just make it through the next week, month, year. This mindset has led me to live in a series of countdowns. I countdown until my husband comes home. Then I countdown the time we have left until he leaves again. Its like our life has become a revolving door of hellos and goodbyes.
When he came home with the news that he would be deploying again, I was angry. I'm still so angry. We all know there's nothing I can do to change our circumstances, but I can change my strategy!
This time instead of drowning myself in countdowns and countless hours of overtime, 𝙄'𝙢 𝙛𝙤𝙘𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙣 𝙢𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨, 𝙚𝙭𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙟𝙤𝙮.
I'm no expert, but after six years of military wife life, multiple deployments, PCS moves, and countless TDY's, here are my takeaways.
How to survive thrive during seasons of separation:
1) Avoid burn out. I used to think if I just kept myself busy, the time would fly by. Maybe in theory it did, but it also left me exhausted and miserable. Taking care of the household by yourself is hard. Keeping small humans alive is hard (I have no experience here, but I feel for you, Mamas). Taking care of pets is hard. Working long hours and doing all those things is hard! Don't make life too hard for yourself during an already stressful and mentally exhausting time. If you can afford to take time off or work less hours all together - do it!
2) Plan events and/or trips to look forward to throughout the time apart. I've done things such as concerts, have friends come to visit me, trips back home to be with family, trips to places that bring me joy, etc. This deployment I have several trips planned - here's to hoping the COVID-19 situation allows me to go!
If you've never heard of Brave Crate, you NEED to go check them out! Each month, Brave Crate sends you a themed box with products to help you conquer your deployment countdown! Not only is it like getting a surprise gift in the mail once a month, but it also includes virtual resources, monthly challenges to help you rock deployment and an online community of fellow military spouses going through the same season!
3) Set goals that keep you focused on personal development and self care. Hear me out! It's not just reading self help books and journaling, although those are excellent ideas! It's also remembering to take care of yourself when you feel like you can't go on anymore. It's washing your hair for the first time in a week. It's exercising regularly. It's routinely going out for coffee with a friend. It's sitting down for some quiet time to read or meditate or binge a show. It's doing whatever makes your heart happy - make it a goal to better yourself during this time and you'll find it's a lot easier to navigate.
My deployment goal is running my first half marathon! Running is my husband's thing and it's something I've learned to love doing with him. We set this goal together, but unfortunately he will be gone for the race. I'm nervous I'll be unable to accomplish it without him but I know this - when I set my heart to something, I will do everything in my power to make it happen. Stay tuned.
4) Write in a deployment journal. Sometimes communication is sparse during deployments or even TDY's. It can be frustrating for us at home to feel like we can't share our day with our spouse, and I can imagine our spouse feels like they miss a lot, too. When we do get a chance to talk, sometimes I get stuck in a 'I have so much to tell you I can't remember anything fog' so I started writing in a journal to my husband once a day of what happened that day or maybe a funny story about the dogs or something that happened at work. I even throw in some pictures every once in a while. When we do get a chance to communicate, I have the journal to jog my memory of what's been going on and my husband has it to look back on when he gets home. Call me sentimental, but I love handwritten mementos! I still have stacks of the letters we wrote to each other during basic training and dozens of birthday and anniversary cards that I look back on when I'm having a tough day.
I'd love to tell you that every time you experience a seperation it gets easier, but it doesn't. You do, however, get better at finding coping techniques that work for you. I hope these ideas are helpful and if you have any other recommendations, please comment and share!
Try new things.
Stay as positive as you can.
& Take it one day at a time!
I promise, you'll make it through this season.
- xoxo -
3) Set goals that keep you focused on personal development and self care. Hear me out! It's not just reading self help books and journaling, although those are excellent ideas! It's also remembering to take care of yourself when you feel like you can't go on anymore. It's washing your hair for the first time in a week. It's exercising regularly. It's routinely going out for coffee with a friend. It's sitting down for some quiet time to read or meditate or binge a show. It's doing whatever makes your heart happy - make it a goal to better yourself during this time and you'll find it's a lot easier to navigate.
