5 Wrong Ways to Support a Military Spouse

I was twenty one years old and had just moved 2,000 miles away from my family and friends to an unfamiliar city to be with my husband after nearly four years of a long distance relationship. Shortly after my arrival, he had to leave for an extended separation. I remember calling home to talk with a family member who asked me how things were going and when I replied honestly - that I was missing my husband - I received the response "Well, this is what you signed up for."

No, no, no.

I know they probably didn't mean this in a hurtful way. The majority of the time these things are said with the best of intentions, but here's the thing...they're not helpful, they hurt...a lot! Imagine for a brief moment you were in our shoes. Sit back, relax and keep reading to learn what boils the blood of the military spouse in your life (and what we wish you would say instead!).

1. "This is what you signed up for."

Okay, Karen. Then please never complain your husband left his socks on the floor again. Don't come at me when he snores next to you at night keeping you awake. Do not even dream about blasting your man for leaving dirty dishes in the sink. You signed up for it. You signed up for a marriage. Oh wait....so did I. I did not take an oath to serve my country, my husband did. I "signed up" for LOVE. I promised to stand by my best friend through thick and thin, just like you did yours. Just because our marriages look vastly different, doesn't mean I have any less of a right to dislike parts of it.

Instead try saying:

'If you need anything, let me know.'

'He misses you too.'

2. "I don't know how you do it."

Yeah, sister, me either. But I love my husband and support his dreams. Trust me, if you were married to someone in the military, you could do it too.

Instead try saying:
'When you see them again you'll look back on this time and be proud of yourself.'
'I'm here if you need to vent or some company.'

3. "It's only (blank) long."

I really don't care if it's one week, one year or anywhere in between, any time spent away from my spouse is challenging. What I really wish you would understand is it's not JUST that he's away, it's that he's in harms way. It's that I have very little, if any, contact with him. It's that for months I'm on my own with a limited support system. It's that every little thing that can go wrong will go wrong and I'm expected to handle it all by myself. Unless you are me, you don't get to have an opinion on how long our time apart is or how fast it is going.

Instead try saying:

'Every wake up is one day closer to having him home.'

'How are you doing today?'

'Let me watch your kids so you can have some time to yourself.'

4. "I know what you're going through."

With all due respect, no you don't. This is not the same as your husbands work trip or moving away and missing your grandma. I don't expect you to get it, I just need some support along the way.

Instead try saying:

'I'm here for you.'

'Is there anything I can do to make your life a little easier?'

'Call me anytime, I know it must be hard not being able to all him whenever you want.'

'I'm coming over! Let's drink and watch chick flicks!'

5. Questions, questions, and more questions.

No, I really can't tell you where he is. No, I don't know when he's leaving/coming home, it changes hourly. No, I haven't heard from him today....or in the last two weeks. You don't have to ask me every day, I worry enough. No, I didn't see the news. I choose not to watch when my husband is deployed. No, I don't know when he's coming home. Yes, I miss him (obviously).

Imagine you just had your arm amputated. You're trying like hell to return to your new 'normal' but everywhere you turn someone is asking you 'does it hurt?!', pointing out that it's missing for everyone to see, or feeling bad for you. That's what it feels like when my husband leaves. I just want a sense of normalcy. If I want to talk about it, I will bring it up. Otherwise, please *kindly* keep your questions to yourself.

Instead try saying:

'I'm here for you. To talk when you need to, when you need a hug or just want someone to watch TV with.'

'I'm all ears.'

'What do you need?'

'Your feelings are valid. Take it one day at a time.'

"In a time full of war, be peace. In a world full of hate, be a light."

- Thomas Rhett

A huge shout out to all the military spouses who contributed to this post. You are not alone, we are all experiencing similar comments and challenges navigating military life. Always remember you have the power to surround yourself with people who support and encourage you and the authority to walk away from the ones who don't. Hang in there!

- xoxo -